Today I feel like starting a "Dear Diary" moment.. I promised when I started social media that I would be honest and authentic and open allowing you into my life and that is what I want to do.
As my social media grows, I catch myself filtering what I say and what I post because I don't wan them misconstrued and for them to come back and bite me in the ass! Lol Cause we know there are those out there that save your every move just to try to sabotage or hurt you in the future and that's why I stay true to myself to if that ever does happen I can back what I had said and still be proud of it.
With that said, its that time of the year.. My birthday and I don't know if its just me or if anyone else gets the birthday blues, but it hits me hard every year. I get depressed and pull away and start to overanalyze my life and catch myself comparing my life and success and progress to others and its such a mind fuck! This year, I just got back from the most amazing, busy and hectic Miami trip after my Miami seminar and I was on such a high because I accomplished everything on my list and I couldn't be more proud but then I come home and all those accomplishments seem to diminish and I have a tendency to disregard my accomplishments. Others see me and my success in a different light than I do, I want to acknowledge how far I have come but I don't see it, and it truly sucks because I KNOW I have come such a long way and accomplished so much but why can't I see it?
I was talking to a best friend of mine who happens to be married to a therapist and he said that I have "Personal Dysmorphia" which means ones ability to self sabotage your personal growth and just reading that makes me sad and gives me anxiety because I do do that. It's almost as I feel like I don't deserve the success, I don't know what it is but I want to be able to move past it. I want to celebrate each win, so I can be excited for the next.
I am nominated in the first ever American Influencer Awards and I am "meh" about it. I am on a TV show on the Lifetime channel and have made it to the FINAL 3 in the competition and again "meh". That's not normal is it? *sigh* I will say just writing about it makes me feel a little better and hoping that by publishing my thoughts I may help someone else who may be struggling.
Its amazing to meet people who look up to me, because I just see me as me, no one special. I had a girl fly in from Minnesota to my Miami seminar to meet me, THAT'S INSANE! It makes me cry to type this up but its insane and so humbling and its the ONLY reason I keep pushing, because of YOU, the friends, not followers, you are my friends who I share everything with, who are there for me through it all and you ask for nothing in return and I can't be more grateful and thankful to you.
{Takes a deep breath} It's going to be okay, I think I am finally going to take the step to see a therapist because I really want to enjoy my successes and each win so I can keep pushing. I feel as entrepreneurs we are never satisfied and always hungry, bigger goals, bigger dreams but I should still be able to enjoy the little wins to set myself up for the bigger wins.
Anyways, I am nervous publishing this but let me know if you like my "Dear John" diary blogs of sharing my feelings lol
Counting down to my 34th BIRTHDAY ! Omg.. but I think they are playing me, cause I feel 24! haha
Okay until next time my loves.. xo
Sonia